RED DWARF 8 and a half - Episode 1 - Die Young
by J A McCollough
Summary: Red Dwarf ended with a cliffhanger in 1999. The series resumed in 2009, and 2012, with no resolution of this cliffhanger. This series on script stories attempts to resolve what happened between series VIII and IX. In Episode 1, and old friend returns, an old friend dies, and the balance is restored to the Red Dwarf universe. RD is property of GRANT NAYLOR.
1. Episode 1 - Die Young

**Adapted from The Red Dwarf Episode "Only the Good" and the alternate ending proposed by Danny Dodge. This script attempts to reconcile Red Dwarf IX and X with the ending of only the good, without using any deleted footage**

_A deep gruff voice reads the following as it appears in caption on the screen._

**PREVIOUSLY ON RED DWARF...**

Sc.1 Int. Science Room

_Rimmer returns from the parallel universe with the formula for the microbe antidote._

**RIMMER**

The antidote! I did it!

_RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside. RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in panic._

**RIMMER**

Wha - Where is everyone?

**DISPENSER **

They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes you Captain - congratulations, Cap.

**RIMMER **

Smeg off!

_RIMMER dashes back into the recovery room but realises that the device is off and the doorway to the mirror universe is closed. He glances at the machine, and the problem is immediately obvious: the microbe has spread and the machine is a half-melted, corroding mess. RIMMER stares at the formula on his piece of paper, and dashes out. Dodging blasts of burning steam, RIMMER runs back out into the corridor, just as something in the recovery room breaks out in flames, but is pulled up short by the DISPENSER_

**DISPENSER **

Where are you going?

_RIMMER shakes the paper at the machine_

**RIMMER **

To make up a formula!

_DISPENSER I think you'll find that the formula on that paper has now turned into the formula for the virus, because you've left the mirror universe, so it's turned back into its opposite - ha ha ha haa haaaa!_

_RIMMER stares at the garbled letters on the paper, as smoke, rolling in from the fire behind him, begins to obscure his vision_

**RIMMER**

Smeg, you're right! This is a disaster!

**DISPENSER **

No, there could still be a happy ending.

**RIMMER**

How?

**DISPENSER **

You know that chocolate bar you still owe me for? You could always pay me back before you snuff it.

**RIMMER **

How's that a happy ending?

**DISPENSER **

Well, its a happy ending for me. At least my totals will tally.

**RIMMER **

Why don't you smegging-well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger!

_The remains of the universe device explode messily, turning the fire behind RIMMER into an inferno. He runs for cover down the corridor_

**DISPENSER **

Every dog has its day, and today's the day...

_The DISPENSER takes careful aim, and launches a high-velocity fizzy drink can through the air after RIMMER. The can smacks RIMMER neatly on the back of the head, and he drops to the deck like a stone_

**DISPENSER**

That I'm the dog.

_Stunned and in pain, RIMMER is on his hands and knees on the deck, the heat of the expanding fire singeing his back. Slowly he holds up the strip of paper with the microbe formula; it has caught fire as RIMMER fell to the deck, and perhaps a third of it has burned away already_

**RIMMER**

Smeg...

_Struggling to retain consciousness, RIMMER lets the paper fall and sinks tiredly to the deck; nothing left to run to, and soon nothing even to run from. Exhausted, the air in the corridor growing hot and thin, RIMMER watches the flames lick at and burn away his last chance of salvation, when a foot, wearing a brown, open-toed sandal, crushes out the flames._

_Enter DEATH._

_RIMMER follows his eyes as they track slowly up the tall figure, whose body is completely obscured by flowing robes that seem to be teased by a whistling wind and somehow distanced from the heat and flames around them. The figure carries a long pole, to which is attached a long, curved blade._

**DEATH **

Arnold Judas Rimmer. Your life is over. Come with me.

_Extending a hand, DEATH helps RIMMER to his feet as his deep, booming voice drones on_

DEATH

We will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin in the –

**RIMMER**

Not today, matey!

_Abruptly, RIMMER knees DEATH solidly in the groin. The ethereal one drops his scythe and falls to his knees like the proverbial sack of potatoes_

**RIMMER **

Remember: "only the good die young".

_CUT TO OPENING TITLES!_

_Sc.1 Int. Burning Corridor. Old Red Dwarf._

_RIMMER is lying on the floor, he has halucinated death, and has in fact just been knocked over by the coke can._

**RIMMER _(Still unconsious)_**

Ah... take that death...

_Enter LISTER._

**LISTER**

Come on man! We gotta get out of here!

_RIMMER thinks he's halucinating._

**RIMMER  
**Listy, is that you

**LISTER**

Yeah, we're making a dash for it, the whole place is about to blow. Unless we wanna end up with our genetelia floating around deep space, we gotta leggit!

_They are on their feet, running._

**RIMMER**

Where?

**LISTER**

Kryten's found a few left over ships. A midget and a bug, in the repairs yard. He's fixing it up now, we've sent a distress call inter-verse. See if there's anyone out there who can help-

_WHAM! A large gurder collapses two feet in front of them, blocking their path…_

Sc.2 Int. Blue Midget cockpit.

_KRYTEN is sitting at the console, with a mic in his hand. In the back we see Kochanski and Cat loading supplies_

**KRYTEN**

Mayday, mayday. This is an SOS distress signal from the RED DWARF scouting vessell Blue midget. Our mothership has been attacked by a deadly microbe. Crew gone, four remaining. We are desperate need of assistance… MAYDAY, MAYDAY!

Sc.3 Int. Dungeon.

SUPERIMPOSE CAPTION:

**Meanwhile… In a prison cell… universe 341B**

A shadowy figure sits in the corner of the cell, tossing a ball back and forth. We do not see his face. A man in ridiculous space army uniform enters. It is GENERAL X

**GENERAL X**

Ah… we meet at last… Ace Rimmer!

The figure comes into the light, it is ACE, the rimmer who left the dwarfers in series VII. He has not done well for himself as ACE.

**ACE**

Ah, yes… well I'm afraid there's been some kind of mistake. You see, I'm not… actually… Ace…

**GENERAL X  
**YOU ARE NOT MR RIMMER?!

**ACE**

Well… I…

**GENERAL X**

WHO ARE YOU?!

**ACE**

Errrm… Billy Doyle?

**GENERAL X**

HAHAHA! You cannot fuel me Rimmer, Ace Rimmer… I am the great General X.

**ACE**

Typical.

**GENERAL X**

What?

**ACE**

Nothing

**GENERAL X**

SPEAK PUNY MAN!

**ACE**

Well its just "General X" bit predictable, not exactly original is it, and lets face it… not exactly your real name is it?

**GENERAL X  
**I…

**ACE**

Let me guess, your mother always wanted you to be a big rich and nasty space villain? You wanted to be a musician?

**GENERAL X**

A dancer…

**ACE**

Splendid. So you put on this façade of nastiness, and actually theres a kind and caring soul underneith.

_The General starts to cry._

**GENERAL X**

I just want someone to love me…

_ACE punches the General._

**ACE**

Well punch that.

_He turns to leave, and his wristwatch plottydooda thing beeps. Krytens voice emits from it._

**KRYTEN (V.O)**

Mayday, mayday. This is an SOS distress signal from the RED DWARF scouting vessell Blue midget. Our mothership has been attacked by a deadly microbe. Crew gone, four remaining. We are desperate need of assistance… MAYDAY, MAYDAY!

**ACE**

Kryten?! Whats going on? Is everyone-

_The watch emits static. Ace tries to fix it. Gets annoyed and throws it to the floor. The general regains consiousness and pins ACE to the wall._

**GENERAL X**

And now… my well groomed little friend, you will die…

_The Watch sparks back to life and teleports ACE out of the call, into the cockpit of Wildfire, his ship. He plots a course for universe 1._

**ACE**

Computer… what microbe can eat ships whole?

**COMPUTER (V.O)**

Only one that I know of.

**ACE**

Which is?

**COMPUTER**

The dangerous Zogothoniumegiumoxixiexiphul mifhidikalidrihide…

**ACE**

Blimey…Try saying that backwards!

**COMPUTER**

Idihirdilakidihfimlihpixeixi xomuigemuinohtogoz!

**ACE**

You always have to be the smart one don't you, can't just let me have one little joke without being a sarcastic, heartless bitch.

**COMPUTER**

…

**ACE**

Plot a course for Universe 1. And make some antidote for that mircobe...

**COMPUTER**

Some Cesiumfrancolithicmyxialobid iumrixydixydoxidexidroxhide

**ACE**

Computer?...

**COMPUTER  
**Yes?

**ACE  
**SHUT UP!

Int. Red Dwarf Corridor.

_Rimmer has managed to fit through the fallen gurder._

**RIMMER  
**Yes! Go rimsy! Arnie does it best! Who's the man? I am! 1-0 RIMMER!

**LISTER**

Rimmer…

**RIMMER _(Sings)_  
**Rimmer can you see…

You are so-

**LISTER  
**RIMMER! Go and get help! This whole place is two seconds from soup!

**RIMMER**

Right!

_He walks off singing the remainder of "Oh rimmer."_

Int. Cargo Bay.

_Rimmer is walking briskly towards blue midget humming his sound when suddenly a loud vworping noise starts coming from nowhere… Wildfire begins to appear in mid-air. ACE RIMMER is boldly standing on the top of the ship, posing... The ship lands on Rimmer._

**ACE**

Bugger…

_Kryten and Cat enter._

**KRYTEN**

Mr Ace sir! You've killed Mr Rimmer!

**CAT  
**What a guy…

**(ACE) RIMMER**

I'm not Ace!

**CAT**

What?!

**LISTER  
**Its true…

**KRYTEN**

Sir… we were just on our way to help you! How did you get free.

**LISTER**

I'm slimmer than I look you know Kryts… Anyway, time to explain later, the ships about to melt. Lets go!

**KRYTEN**

But what about Mr Rimmer sir, he's dead…

**LISTER  
**Trust me, its fine… just go!

_The cargo bay doors slam shut. Light go, flames, sirens..._

**KRYTEN**

Red dwarf is in Lock down... sirs, I don't want to panic you, but now might be the time to sya, with a deep expression of fear... MUMMY!

**RIMMER  
**Wait just one little second there M'laddo… Computer, release the antidote.

**COMPUTER**

Negative.

**RIMMER  
**What? Why you jumped up calculator?

**COMPUTER  
**I am programmed to respond to Ace Rimmer only… _(Plays recording)_

**RIMMER (V.O)**

I'm not Ace!

**RIMMER  
**Ah yes well… when I said…

**LISTER  
**What he meant was, he doesn't want to be ace… anymore! Isn't that right?!

**RIMMER  
**Err… yes!

**CAT**

You're retiring?!

**RIMMER**

_(Faux ace voice) _Yes… I've decided to time to pack in the old adventuring! Settle down. But first, we need to save the ship

VFX SHOT.

Red dwarf floating through space, huge chunks missing, fire burning. The cargo bay is the one remaining stronghold.

Int. Cargo Bay.

**COMPUTER**

Releasing compound.

A spray cloud shoots out of all available holes in the ship and fills the room.

VFX shot

oTheship in space, slowly regrowing, into its original stubby shape, not the pencil.

_Kochanski runs over._

**KOCHANSKI**

What's going on, the ship is back! The microbe seems to have vanished!

**RIMMER**

Who's this?

**LISTER  
**It's kochanski…

**RIMMER**

Don't be daft lister. Just because she's a woman, she looks nothing like Kochanski.

**LISTER**

Paralell Dimension, Long story… We did it guys!

**ALL**

We did it! Woo! Hoorah!

Int. Red Dwarf. Shiny living quarters seen in BTE

_Rimmer and Lister are lying in their bunks._

**RIMMER  
**No… its not for me Listy, all that solo adventuring. I'd prefer to be with an army, a team of ruthless fighters ready for anything!

**LISTER  
**Thanks man!

**RIMMER  
**But I suppose you'll do.

_KRYTEN enters._

**KRYTEN**

Everything seems to be in order. As you can see, the antidote has repaired the ship into prime condition. Way beyond that which it once was.

_HOLLY appears on the video screen._

**HOLLY**

Alright dudes. What happening!

_Kochanski enters adressing Cat, who is still behind._

**KOCHANSKI**

No! You cannot use my bikini trimmer!

**CAT**

_(Cooly) _AAAAAAAH!

Int. Corridor.

_KRYTEN CLEANING. Notices dead starbugs floating in distance. Rimmer enters._

**KRYTEN**

Mr Rimmer, look…

_Rimmer looks out of the ship window…_

**RIMMER**

Full speed ahead, Mr Kryten, I see no ships!

CUT TO CREDITS. END.


	2. Preview of Ep 2

**EXCLUSIVE PREVIEW OF NEXT WEEK!**

During Nano-Rimmer's Funeral, Lister inadvertantly releases a bacteria on Red Dwarf, the contagious King-Flu. The crew vacate on a Blue midget for a few days whilst the virus dies, landing on a nearby moon. Unbeknowest to them, they disturb a crazy rogue droid and his "Brother" Colin. Can they survive his ominous "DUEL THROUGH TIME AND SPACE!"


End file.
